Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
