I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
