its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she looked like the before picture.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
