Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
