I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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