Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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