I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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