No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Randomize
