You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
