I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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