I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
