I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
