I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just invented taco cereal.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
