Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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