just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I CAN MOONWALK!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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