So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i need some magic done to my vagina
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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