I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
