Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize