90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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