i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
