Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
