The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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