You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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