it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
