not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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