I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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