i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
