im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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