I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
