he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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