I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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