end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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