i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
