im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
