It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
