I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
