so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
