I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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