it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
