I queefed so loud it echoed.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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