If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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