Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
