break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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