Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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