12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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