Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
