My cat gives me a boner
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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