why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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