His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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