Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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