It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
