I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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