my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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