well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
