Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
