I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
