R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
