You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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