did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
