I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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