i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
