so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
