imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
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