mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
